Hard as it is In the coming days I watch my friend in her strange unnatural state
Don’t let her out of my sight
She trails off Stares at nothing Laughs at random and the letters come

She waits at the window And I listen at the door

Until one day I see by the sad look on her face
That there is a dreadful plan in her heart

I know you are capable of anything I know you so well my friend
I know you might just run away What am I to do?

Who do I ask for help? Is it all on me? Is it all on me?

I will stand in the dark for you
I will hold you back by force
I will stand here right outside your door
I won’t see you disgraced
I will protect your name and your heart
Because I miss my friend

I know you’ve forgotten me
I know you so well my friend
I know you might just throw yourself over
But I won’t let you I won’t let you It’s all on me

I remember this family I remember your kindness And if I never sleep again

I will stand in the dark for you
I will hold you back by force
I will stand here right outside your door I won’t see you disgraced
I will protect your name and your heart
Because I miss my friend Because
I miss my friend Because I miss you, my friend

Hey Sister:

Just saw ya on my AOL front page.

Having grown up with “big brother’s” imposition, I just wanna suggest that you not engage in anymore DJT commentaries (or re: his family) at all for the next 4 years.

Your existence will become an extension of everything beyond the White House’s intelligence mediums.

It’s bigger than him now. Let his own character reveal itself without your responses, assessments and so on.

It’s tough, I know. But — this is when stepping back really counts.

Just resume your life as much as possible. Restore yourself. Build on your securities. Take care of your family, KidRo… etc. Dive into wellness and peace of mind.

Fodder will not help. It only agitates. These folks can tap, invade, deplete, distort, divert and syphon in ways you need not endure. If HRC could not win (knowing what she knows about this apparatus), you can not. You do not want to continue to be skinned alive amidst the nature of men in government.

Seems like there are a lot of free for alls going on in the world. You do not want to be folded into any of it.

Blessings.

And pardon, if my not seems too heavy-handed.

Dear Sue Klebold,
I was injured at Columbine High School in 1999. As you know, your son Dylan, and his classmate, Eric Harris, killed 13 people and then themselves. You are releasing a book called, “A Mother’s Reckoning”, and are appearing tomorrow on the TV program 20/20 to talk about what happened and what your son did. I have only two instances to form an opinion on you and they are as follows:
1. You and your husband wrote me a letter a few months after I was paralyzed saying how sorry you were. It was genuine and personal. The Harris letter, on the other hand, was four sentences long on a folded up piece of paper, and was cold and robotic. To refresh your memory, your letter read like this:
“Dear Anne Marie,
Our prayers have been with you each day as we read about the terrible ordeal you and your family have experienced. We read that you had been transferred to Craig Hospital, and we were so thankful that you had progressed to the point where you could enter a rehabilitation facility. Though we have never met, our lives are forever linked through this tragedy that has brought unspeakable heartbreak to our families and our community. With deepest humility we apologize for the role our son, Dylan, had in causing the suffering you and your family have endured. Your recovery process will be a long and difficult road, and we hope that the support of people all over the world will help you find strength and courage as you meet the many challenges you have yet to face. When we read reports of your progress, we marvel at your resolve. It is still terribly difficult for us to believe that the son we knew could play a role in causing harm to you and others. The reality that he shared in the responsibility for this senseless tragedy is beyond our comprehension. We offer our love, support, and service as you and your family work to gain control over your lives. May God watch over you during your recovery process and beyond. May each day bring you successes, however small, that bring you hope and encouragement.
Sincerely,
Sue and Tom Klebold
2. I was contacted by ABC to comment for the 20/20 special and they told me that any proceeds from your book (aside from publisher’s costs) will go to helping those with mental illness. Six months after Columbine happened, my mother, Carla, committed suicide. She was already suffering from depression so the shootings didn’t directly cause her to do what she did, but it certainly didn’t help. It means a lot to me that you wouldn’t keep those proceeds for yourself, but to help others that suffer from mental illness.
I think it’s appropriate that the program that you are appearing on is named “20/20”. Hindsight is truly 20/20 and I’m sure you have agonized over what you could have done differently. I know, because I do the same thing with trying to think of ways I could have prevented my mother’s death. I have no ill-will towards you. Just as I wouldn’t want to be judged by the sins of my family members, I hold you in that same regard. It’s been a rough road for me, with many medical issues because of my spinal cord injury and intense nerve pain, but I choose not to be bitter towards you. A good friend once told me, “Bitterness is like swallowing a poison pill and expecting the other person to die.” It only harms yourself. I have forgiven you and only wish you the best.
Sincerely,
Anne Marie Hochhalter

No tongue in the bell
And the fishwives yell
But they might as well be mute
So you get to keep the pictures
That don’t seem like much
Cold white keys under your fingers
Now you’re thinking
“That’s no substitute
It just don’t do it
Like the song of a warm warm body
Loving your touch”

In the court they carve your legend
With an apple in its jaw
And the women that you wanted
They get their laughs
Long silk stockings
On the bedposts of refinement
You’re too raw
They think you’re too raw
It’s the judgement of the moon and stars
Your solitary path
Draw yourself a bath
Think what you’d like to have
For supper
Or take a walk
A park
A bridge
A tree
A river
Revoked but not yet cancelled
The gift goes on
In silence
In a bell jar
Still a song

You’ve got to shake your fists at lightning now
You’ve got to roar like forest fire
You’ve got to spread your light like blazes
All across the sky
They’re going to aim the hoses on you
Show ’em you won’t expire
Not till you burn up every passion
Not even when you die
Come on now
You’ve got to try
If you’re feeling contempt
Well then you tell it
If you’re tired of the silent night
Jesus well then you yell it
Condemned to wires and hammers
Strike every chord that you feel
That broken trees
And elephant ivories conceal

JONI MITCHELL

Ok I have run away
For the day
Into town
Away from Dad’s frown

Now to examine myself
Am I insane?
Dad will drive me there
Even if I am not
Smother me
With his ridiculous accusations

My world is a dream
That is a problem
But it’s bordering on reality
So I hope
So I believe
Which is where the problem lies
I do actually believe
In this dream world

I do believe
In illogical things
That could be diagnosed as madness

I am ashamed
Of what I have come to believe in:
SPIRITUALITY
Because it is not as I have been programmed
Because it is an alien world to my parents
And my family

I am addicted
To Music
I am addicted
To Spirituality
I am addicted
To Love
I am addicted
To Art
I am addicted
To the Beauty of Soul
Is this so strange?
Is this worthy
Of Psychological Analysis
Psychiatric Help?
Is this wrong?
Should I be condemned
To an institution for this?

The only right way to live
According to my father’s directives
And ingrained beliefs
Generations of handed down doctrines:
Academic success is Life

I disagree
For me
It doesn’t fully fit
It leaves something unanswered in me
It leaves me dissatisfied
To believe in education/university
As survival, as real life
As healthy living

I have my faults
My mind is very open
But is that a fault?
I embrace life
In every shape and form
And wrap myself in it
I am very impressionable
I am devoted to Natural Things
Thus I am completely misunderstood
Especially by my father
It is this struggle
That I am left here today
Fighting for my right to be free
To be let live in this world
Until I find
The direction
I wish to go
And succeed in living
And not to be sent to a shrink

It is demeaning
To be thought of
As a fucked up being
As mentally unstable
I do not believe it myself anymore
But sometimes
It’s hard not to
When your own father
Smothers and suffocates you with such thoughts

I am fighting
The pains of a programmed upbringing
As everybody does to degrees
My fault may lie
In doing this a little more than others
But I do it
Because I am able to

Life is a struggle
If I didn’t get depressed or low
And disillusioned
From time to time
Then I am not human

By sending me to a psychiatrist Dad
You are showing me a lack of respect
You are demeaning me as a person
Who I consider to be a qualified human being

Before this
I was half afraid
I may be mad
But now
I believe I am not
To diagnose me as mad
Would be doing a tyrannical injustice
It could be compared to
Committing Jews to a concentration camp
The most recognised injustice

Father
I have lost respect for you
Because you are showing me little
By treating me as you do
You are hurting me
Brainwashing me with your negative thoughts
To create inferior ripples within me
That I have to exorcise
With tears
Every time

I can not talk to you
Because YOU are not going to change
All you can ever do
Is accept me as I am
Someone you can’t fully relate to
The thing is you don’t need to

All you need to do is
Accept me
Love me as much as you can
And stop frowning on me
Just because
I molded myself away from your
Conditioned idea of approaching life

I know
That there are things you understand
About spirituality and psychology etc.
But you do not feel them
The difference lies forever there
It is just the way we are
No one is to blame for this
Everyone is unique
Call me a black sheep
But I’d prefer to think of myself
As a rainbow sheep

I have many colors
And not few
I use my many colors
And not my few
I use what I have been given
In my thoughts and in my actions
In my apparently “dull” lifestyle

The cold frustration returns
Cos although it is a frantic effort
To achieve your understanding
I know I never will
Some questions can’t be answered
Some answers can’t be worded
They lie as knowledge
Not necessarily wisdom
But as a “knowing”

Not everything is black and white
Dad
Some things have many colors
They cannot be termed as just one

Dad
Our conflict
Lies in the difference
Between the logical world
And the natural world
I am in both
You are in the logical
And see the natural
I am in the natural
And the logical
I FEEL

You question me
You question everything I do
Unjustly and unnecessarily

I am not happy
At home
When you make me feel
Like a disappointment
By your vibes
By questioning my every move
Or apparent lack of movement

Lack of money
Is another reason
I seem unmotivated
If I had more money
I could do “productive” things

You do not understand
The GUILT factor
That money is in my life

How money is spoken about at home
The pain of taking ANY
Even for my birthday
Was incredibly painful

I felt guilty
Like I do not deserve any money
Any freedom
Any enjoyment
You make me feel unworthy
Not just of money
But of a gift

Your letter
Made me cry
Because you just reinforced
Your feelings of ongoing disappointment in me
Making me feel still inferior and unloved

I know you care for me
But you don’t love me
Because you can’t allow yourself to
Or you won’t love me
You won’t accept me
For who I am

Accept me now for who I am
That’s all I ask
And even if you can’t
I shall prove myself
A worthy, successful individual
Whether you believe it or not

I am not destroying myself
I am not killing myself
I am not subconsciously
Plotting my suicide
I am not MAD
I should not be considered a disappointment
That is not fair to treat me like that

I am HUMAN

So ALL I ask for is your respect
And for you to try to accept me
And love me a little more.