U R NOT 2 BLAME

i met him first in 97
on my show –
he was promoting 7th heaven
a show i watched

because catherine hicks
from ryan’s hope
the best soap opera ever on television
also starred in it

stephen was on my show many times
we spoke often about TM
he introduced me to it in fact
back in 97

i practice TM daily
20 mins in the am
20 in the pm
a mantra –

i pray

stephen is an artist
pottery – ceramics
we had a show together
my paintings – his pottery

at THE ROCKLAND COUNTY CENTER FOR THE ARTS

the event was a success
stephen sent me a potters wheel
the week after –
so sweet

i learned how to throw pots
like him
i liked him
a lot

stephen collins
priestly – handsome – artistic – kind
stephen collins
married 29 years

and now here we all r

they showed me the clip in the morning
20 seconds
thats all i could watch
of his his apology tour

katie couric was r guest
i was sure she was gonna do 2 him
what she did 2 sarah palin
hit him with his truth

right between the eyes
expose him for who he was
“what newspapers do u read sarah?”
she saved us all then

this time
she didn’t

================================

in 1973 –
he was 25 years old
i was ten
same age as his first victim

he took the hand of 10 year old girl
and used it to jerk himself off

as a child
who was used in similar ways
by a man i trusted
every cell in me remembered

“we both just sat there – we didn’t move a muscle”

uummmmm –
after u came on the kids hand – u mean?
stephen …
right?

u are not equals
she was an innocent child
a baby girl
u have a daughter for gods sake

were u able to resist the urge to touch her ?
how noble …

congrats

============

in case u wonder
what ur man sized penis –
ur abuse of power
ur lack of impulse control did to that kid

i will tell u a bit about me

sex is not fun
not now
not ever
it is married to a lingering terror

joy evaporated

my body became my enemy
i would not love it
take care of it
treat it well

it had betrayed me
caused such pain and humiliation
i did not want 2 feel
2 know

like many survivors of childhood sexual abuse

i became obese
Obesity Action Coalition » Sexual Abuse and Obesity

i have struggled with severe depression
Effects Of Child Sexual Abuse: Depression And Other Mental Health Conditions

i have anxiety disorders
Effects of CSA on the Victim

shame confines me
Into the Light: sexual abuse – support info and resources

i bet stephen
there is a 52 year old woman – like me
sitting in her house
still frightened

her perspective skewed
by u
ur casual lack of accountability
for her and for me

has wounded us
once again
u –
stephen collins

u

u r an archetype
as is bill cosby
pedophile / rapist
how dare i

how dare i not ?

a hidden narrative none wishes 2 be part of
yet we all participate in

unspoken
rape
incest
race

there is good news
we can heal r selves
RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of “America’s 100 Best Charities” —Worth magazine

JONI MITCHELL IS ESSENTIAL FOR HEALING
Love Has Many Faces: A Quartet, A Ballet, Waiting to Be Danced

“Not To Blame”

The story hit the news
From coast to coast
They said you beat the girl
You loved the most
Your charitable acts
Seemed out of place
With the beauty
With your fist marks on her face
Your buddies all stood by
They bet their fortunes
And their fame
That she was out of line
And you were not to blame

Six hundred thousand doctors
Are putting on rubber gloves
And they’re poking
At the miseries made of love
They say they’re learning
How to spot
The battered wives
Among all the women
They see bleeding through their lives
I bleed–
For your perversity–
These red words that make a stain
On your white-washed claim that
She was out of line
And you were not to blame

I heard your baby say
When he was only three
“Daddy, let’s get some girls
One for you and one for me.”
His mother had the frailty
You despise
And the looks
You love to drive to suicide
Not one wet eye around
Her lonely little grave
Said, “He was out of line girl
You were not to blame.”

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64 Responses to 'U R NOT 2 BLAME'

  1. Great poem, in so many ways. Thank you for writing it, Rosie, and for sharing it.

  2. Why they did nothing, why they sided with you
    Why it didn’t matter that I was abused
    It was your reputation we had to protect
    You were the adult, I was just a kid

    An empty vessel with no self-worth
    Left to fend for myself in this hell-on-earth
    This hell you created and left me to
    Please tell me now what am I to do

    In searching for answers, I only find pain
    As old, familiar questions arise again
    How can I make people understand
    I was a kid – you were a man

    Roxine ©…

  3. How did this become my fault, my shame?
    Why do they look at me like I’m to blame?
    No I didn’t stop you or say anything
    How could I, Why would I, I was just a kid

    And you told me you’d kill her, you’d kill me too
    Tell me, please tell me – what was I to do?
    Even now, 30 years later, the price is too high
    It has cost me my family to ask the question “Why?”

    (cont’d)

  4. You were right in one respect, I never forgot
    In fact, for me, the abuse never stopped
    I’ve been raped time and time again
    By your memory, my family, other men

    Their refusal to hold you accountable, to make you pay
    Is just like you raping me every day
    When I am here, when I let you in
    I can feel you putting your mouth on me again

    Taking from me everything that was good
    Leaving me shattered, broken, misunderstood
    How can I make people understand
    I was a kid – you were a…

  5. That hole you ripped apart inside of me
    Filled up with anger, disgust, self-loathing
    Years I’ve spent abusing myself
    Illicit sex, alcohol, my own personal hell

    You put me there – I was just a kid
    Do you even know what you did?
    How can I make people understand
    I was a kid – you were a man

    You took your time to gain my trust
    Told me I was special, pretty, loved
    You told me it was our little secret
    You told me it was something I’d never forget

    (cont’d)

  6. I wrote the following 2 years ago about my own childhood sexual abuse.

    *Triggering*

    I was a kid – you were a man

    My pain is palpable – but only to me.
    I can’t seem to move, to act, to breathe.
    In searching for answers I only find pain
    As old, familiar questions arise again.

    An empty vessel – that’s all I’ve been –
    An empty vessel you stuck your dick in
    Did you know that you killed me that day?
    Did you know you took everything away?

    (cont’d)

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