while i was in LA last week –
filming THE FOSTERS
my wife Michelle fell off her horse
she fractured her sacrum

her horse is big and beautiful
and supposedly “bomb proof”
meaning he won’t spook
no matter what

apparently that’s not true
as he saw a chipmunk and bolted
all 16 1/2 hands of him
thru the gate in the outdoor ring

heading toward farming equipment
the world spinning past
no longer in control – she closed her eyes
and let go

she saved herself

the pain is easing
4 more weeks of rest
including NO picking up the baby
which hurts her new mommy heart – the most

=======

on monday brooke shields –
triggered a panic attack in me
“oh my god – she’s dead? “ she joked
after my clumsy question about her mother terri

roller coaster core drop
inside my insides
what is real?
am i perceiving correctly

i wished for i dream of jeannie powers
to blink the world frozen
a time out – 2 re focus
brookes laugh snapped me back –
into the now

an IED on an occupied road
a step away from imploding
be still
the pin back in the grenade

breathe

i have watched it six times
i see my confusion
as my cortisol overflows
my movements rigid

what’s real?
am i perceiving this correctly …
focus and survive
fight or flight

be still
don’t react
listen
question

===================

i have a new therapist
as my last one retired
which felt like abandonment –
cause it is – in the end – all about me

the new therapist is very good
together we til the soil
unearthing all the past
trying to trust

we r working on my sexual abuse
again – at 52
it doesn’t end
as too many know

bill cosby triggers me
and millions of others
even typing it now –
gets my heart racing

u never stop feeling
like u r in BIG trouble
if u talk about it
still – at 52

it breaks my heart
to see BC so old – fragile
a bumbling grandpa
vulnerable

his angelic wife – camille
radiating light
with a smile that seems pasted in place
a stunning beauty

the women talking now
were teenagers when he raped them
some r senior citizens
i believe them

i don’t know how to talk about BILL COSBY
while completely avoiding the rape charges
as part of the conversation
i can’t – i won’t

healing is the hope

4 u
4 me
4 them
4 him