my sad saturday

while i was in LA last week –
filming THE FOSTERS
my wife Michelle fell off her horse
she fractured her sacrum

her horse is big and beautiful
and supposedly “bomb proof”
meaning he won’t spook
no matter what

apparently that’s not true
as he saw a chipmunk and bolted
all 16 1/2 hands of him
thru the gate in the outdoor ring

heading toward farming equipment
the world spinning past
no longer in control – she closed her eyes
and let go

she saved herself

the pain is easing
4 more weeks of rest
including NO picking up the baby
which hurts her new mommy heart – the most

=======

on monday brooke shields –
triggered a panic attack in me
“oh my god – she’s dead? “ she joked
after my clumsy question about her mother terri

roller coaster core drop
inside my insides
what is real?
am i perceiving correctly

i wished for i dream of jeannie powers
to blink the world frozen
a time out – 2 re focus
brookes laugh snapped me back –
into the now

an IED on an occupied road
a step away from imploding
be still
the pin back in the grenade

breathe

i have watched it six times
i see my confusion
as my cortisol overflows
my movements rigid

what’s real?
am i perceiving this correctly …
focus and survive
fight or flight

be still
don’t react
listen
question

===================

i have a new therapist
as my last one retired
which felt like abandonment –
cause it is – in the end – all about me

the new therapist is very good
together we til the soil
unearthing all the past
trying to trust

we r working on my sexual abuse
again – at 52
it doesn’t end
as too many know

bill cosby triggers me
and millions of others
even typing it now –
gets my heart racing

u never stop feeling
like u r in BIG trouble
if u talk about it
still – at 52

it breaks my heart
to see BC so old – fragile
a bumbling grandpa
vulnerable

his angelic wife – camille
radiating light
with a smile that seems pasted in place
a stunning beauty

the women talking now
were teenagers when he raped them
some r senior citizens
i believe them

i don’t know how to talk about BILL COSBY
while completely avoiding the rape charges
as part of the conversation
i can’t – i won’t

healing is the hope

4 u
4 me
4 them
4 him

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117 Responses to 'my sad saturday'

  1. Lynn Cohen says:

    I feel your pain on many levels but hate to see you stifled . Ae you stifling yourself or is the person in your earpiece stifling you? Either way, looking like a deer in headlights just isn’t you…Looking shell shocked is just another trauma for you… I think you need to recognize that and either be yourself to jump ship.

  2. Cheryl says:

    He called me Silky because I don’t think he realized I was his daughter. He made up a name to mask the fact he was abusing me. I still have flashbacks of him in the back of me and telling me how much he loved me. I did make peace with him before he died because I am a survivor and now have a family of my own! I never go to his grave but I think about him almost daily. I divorced my family because they never tried to understand so screw them! I’m a survivor !

  3. Cathy says:

    His wife knew. In all the years, someone had to have said something, eluded, referenced his ways. Perhaps she too was drugged at his discretion. He liked them woozy and incoherent. She knew.
    (Please, hang in there Rosie. I see you detach. Come back and show us how strong successful women can share, evolve, make a difference.)

  4. I was a kid, You were a man

    *Triggering*

    My pain is palpable – but only to me.
    I can’t seem to move, to act, to breathe.
    In searching for answers I only find pain
    As old, familiar questions arise again.

    An empty vessel – that’s all I’ve been –
    An empty vessel you stuck your dick in
    Did you know that you killed me that day?
    Did you know you took everything away?

    • That hole you ripped apart inside of me
      Filled up with anger, disgust, self-loathing
      Years I’ve spent abusing myself
      Illicit sex, alcohol, my own personal hell

      You put me there – I was just a kid
      Do you even know what you did?
      How can I make people understand
      I was a kid – you were a man

      You took your time to gain my trust
      Told me I was special, pretty, loved
      You told me it was our little secret
      You told me it was something I’d never forget

      • You were right in one respect, I never forgot
        In fact, for me, the abuse never stopped
        I’ve been raped time and time again
        By your memory, my family, other men

        Their refusal to hold you accountable, to make you pay
        Is just like you raping me every day
        When I am here, when I let you in
        I can feel you putting your mouth on me again

        Taking from me everything that was good
        Leaving me shattered, broken, misunderstood
        How can I make people understand
        I was a kid – you were a…

        • How did this become my fault, my shame?
          Why do they look at me like I’m to blame?
          No I didn’t stop you or say anything
          How could I, Why would I, I was just a kid

          And you told me you’d kill her, you’d kill me too
          Tell me, please tell me – what was I to do?
          Even now, 30 years later, the price is too high
          It has cost me my family to ask the question “Why?”

          • Why they did nothing, why they sided with you
            Why it didn’t matter that I was abused
            It was your reputation we had to protect
            You were the adult, I was just a kid

            An empty vessel with no self-worth
            Left to fend for myself in this hell-on-earth
            This hell you created and left me to
            Please tell me now what am I to do

          • In searching for answers, I only find pain
            As old, familiar questions arise again
            How can I make people understand
            I was a kid – you were a man

  5. Rosie,

    You are not alone. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and the Bill Cosby story is a HUGE trigger – as was the Jerry Sandusky story back in 2011. I am sitting in my office in tears right now – because I am back – in that place – of dis-ease – back when he put his hands on me.

    I wrote a poem entitled I was a kid, You were a man – and want to share it with your audience. Please feel free to use it.

    Your voice is strong, thank you for using it.
    A survivor
    Roxine Behrens

  6. Donna Marie Murray-Riopelle says:

    Am so, so happy to see you back on The View. I watched YOUR show faithfully, and even came up to a taping of your show. Thoroughly enjoyed it. This thing about BC is really rough on you. Total silence is not good at all. I watched your face today when the other women, especially Whoopi, were talking. Life is TOUGH, and when some people DON’T accept what has happened already, with things settled and being paid off, it blows my mind. These women who have accused him are all decent women!!

  7. Donna says:

    I’m sorry to hear about your wife’s accident. Hope she recovers soon.
    You seem to be walking on egg shells on the View theses days?
    In regards to BC, I noticed a lot of the accusers stories were similar in the way that BC didn’t seem interested in a relationship, or impressing them. Clumsily leaping on some of them as the drugs weren’t consumed or not processed. Then, discarding them as trash.
    Whoopie seems to have an old school way of thinking about men and women.

  8. Rosie,

    I saw the ‘pain’ in your face when the topic was about Bill Cosby. I pray that You don’t take ‘personally’ with Whoopi’s bend stating that this situation were ‘alleged’ accusations.

    The truth will come out and then it will be done. So be it and it is so!

    Let it go! Let it go! For your peace of mind.

    A loyal fan

  9. I admire you for speaking out on Friday and for just listening today, Rosie. The truth will prevail. We all know those women, and now a man, aren’t lying; and, it is very clear why they waited so long. They were threatened at a time when they knew their careers would be jeopardized. Am loving you on The View…keep fighting the good fight!

  10. Phyllis says:

    Dear Rosie, Sorry to hear about your wife, hope she gets better soon.
    It may be hard for you to hear about others in the same place as you were… Please find peace in the fact that everyone will be judged on there deeds in the end.
    I was abused myself and am a fierce protector of children. you will lose yourself trying to take care of the world. keep loving the people in your world, and take care of yourself.

  11. georgiegirl10 says:

    Rosie, Very sorry to hear of Michelle’s accident, hope the next several weeks go by faster than she thinks it will.
    Have to say that I was thrilled to hear that you would be coming back to The View, and you haven’t disappointed. I love that you aren’t afraid to speak up, defend those beliefs even if everyone disagrees with you. The difference this time, I believe, is that the four women really seem to like and respect one another, all opinionated. You don’t have B.W. there trying to…

  12. Barbara A Fernandez says:

    Thank you Ro, you express yourself so beautifully. And you speak for many of us who sadly at 66 still cannot tell anyone their secret .

  13. Ann Beahan says:

    I was molested when I was about 4 or 5 but didn’t know what was done to me until I was about 14, but I know it wasn’t right. I ran home but didn’t tell my mother because I was embarrasted. Only told my husband a month ago. I’m 75. It’s awful having secrets for a lifetime I’m on your side Rosie.

  14. Amelia says:

    when you speak about surviving, we are rooting for you to be heard–for hearts to soften, minds to open, anger to dissipate.

    best wishes for Michelle–when I was on bed rest I watched Bob ROss, his voice is soooo soothing.

    xxxoo

  15. Shamona says:

    You shut down on the View tho…since you have already convinced yourself that he is a rapist then speak up…stop looking down on t.v but then coming on here saying you believe it.COWARD

  16. Marci says:

    Thank you for speaking for those that have been sexually abused.

  17. Kim Crabtree says:

    My heart goes out to you! What a horrible accident. I watched the clip of you and Whoopi. You guys are the most evolved women I know. It’s impressive discourse. Very impressive. My love goes out to you and your family. I’m sure you are making your wife laugh! When they can laugh, that is a true sign of recovery to me. 🙂

  18. I feel your words as though you’re speaking them directly to me. I love the way you type. You should be able to speak about these things on The View. I’m sure there are days when you are exhausted when you finish the show from holding so many things inside. I love you, Rosie. YOU are the reason I’m watching The View again…..only you! I hope Michelle heals well and your family has a loving & peaceful Thanksgiving Day.

  19. dan says:

    Sorry to hear about your wife, all will be well in the end. The bill cosby thing on one level surprises me on another doesnt, While I do believe that abuse happened, I have to say I am not so sure I beileve janice dickenson, She seems to be an attention seeker, in the worst way. but if its true then I feel for her as well. Sexual abuse still so secretive which the abuser counts upon, sadly. Peace to You rosie.

  20. Theresa says:

    Hope she feels better. I think allegations in what he did also set-off childhood memories- my Mother being raped by 3 people. It also triggered the fact that my daughter witnessed the last seconds of her boss getting shot in the head outside of where she works.People are not always as they seem.Trusting others these days is really hard.It’s funny, we trusted OJ, we trusted Lance Armstrong, we trusted Martha Stewart, baseball players, football players, etc. If he did these things, he is sick.

  21. Kathy says:

    Peace and Love to you and your family Ro! We love you always and forever.

  22. It tore my heart apart to see you bring up bc on the view. I could see the pain in your face as you were not understood by the other women on the panel. I believe those women too, my heart aches that for them this pain is brought to the surface again. Not fun.
    I love you ro just hold on.
    Hoping a fast recovery for your wife.
    Xoxo
    Arthur

  23. jean says:

    hope your wife heals hope some day you heal also. My deceased wife was sexually abused also We finally had 32 beautiful years together. It took both of us to work through this toghter. There is always hope.

  24. Jimmy Griglione says:

    Dear Rosie,
    I wish Michelle a speedy recovery and hugs to your kids especially your little one. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and you are right it never goes away. What is so sad for me is that my abuser is free thanks to the statute of limitations. I feel for these victims. The only thing that we can do is share our story and one day we get to a place where we forgive. To have this anger inside you will only make you sick. I am 48 now and it wasn’t until recently that I was able to.

  25. msb39 says:

    Get some therapy and move on. The time 4 your pity party is over.
    8-( !!

    • Julie says:

      It is not that easy as getting therapy and getting over it. You think you have dealt with it and out of no where something triggers it being in your face as though it happened yesterday. It colors every choice, every thing you are although sometimes it is a background color sometimes the focus.

  26. Teri says:

    Rosie,
    Sorry about Michelle falling, grateful it wasn’t worse! Must have been pretty scarey.

    My truth of being sexually abused is just under the surface. Doesn’t take much to surround my senses again and again. Whether it’s on the street, on Dr Phil, any show at 55 I live it again. I feel that one person’s truth can give so many that added strength they need to finally say “me too”. B. C. was coasting along into age, the strength of truth freeing them now.
    Thank you for being…

  27. Tamara says:

    Rosie when I watched you or whatched you watch them talk abt bill cosby….it seemed to me you were holding back tears and biting your tongue…..I have been there and you keep true to your word I love ya!!! And the part where Brooke Shields did that omg I could see the mortified look on your face…it was so sad to me …..And last but not least I wish your wife a speedy full recovery! from a fan who was and has been one even when being a fan wasn’t cool 🙂

  28. Carolyn says:

    That was a tough segment to watch Rosie. My heart went out to you. I don’t know your pain. But I felt pain for you as you took it. God Blesses you Rosie.

  29. Jennifer says:

    Oh Rosie, how brilliant you are. I wish you all the best, warm hugs, peace and healing for Michelle (I have horses and have 4 artificial disks to prove it, lol!), she’ll be good as new as the body is a miraculous thing. Thank you for your honesty. I, too, have some childhood traumas that are triggered lately. You are an angel, continue to stand in your truth.

  30. Kate says:

    Watch you shutdown on The View when discussing Cosby, evidence mounting against him. Be true to you Rosie. Be in your truth regardless of others. Cosby guilty or not, you have survived. Love and healing light to Michelle – ouch! My heart would hurt so badly if I couldn’t hold my 2 year old twin sons. Much love Ro. Xoxoxo, Kate

    • Nicole says:

      What makes me sad is men AND women coming out against these victims. Heartless as these people thankfully haven’t experienced rape or any other abuse that leaves you feeling ashamed and broken. Humiliation is hard to live with alone. Good for these women to finally feel they have a network of support. Shame on people for pointing fingers and defending a man who has yet made a statement that says “I didn’t do it”. He is not god. And therefore is flawed. Yes he played a great father figure…

      • Nicole says:

        . Yes he played a great father figure on his show. But that is acting folks. Good way to cover up evil is to portray ones self as an angel. Sickening.

  31. Prayers for Michelle. Rosie, don’t ever let anyone silence you. You are the voice for those who cannot speak. Love you.

  32. Rosie,
    You know first hand how a child who has suffered the profound loss of the death of a parent will experienced secondary loss, or have any trauma re-ignited the grief.
    Our newest PSA shows how, even the mundane moments of daily life, can trigger a grief burst. Awareness for children and teens and those who support them can help them process the grief and promote post traumatic growth. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oXVubWnYmE

  33. confused Florida says:

    Ugh…sitting here crying. Abuse will never ever leave my thoughts. So back to real for me now as I just got a phonecall that my dad, who is sick, wants to come visit for a week…after 17 yrs of no contact… How can this be real, I question myself this whole morning. My life is in immidiate chaos. I feel lost. Your post hits straigjt to the heart. I want to escape…find me some ruby slippers..please…feel like i am drowning.
    i wish you peace Rosie and I hope your wife recovers soon!

    • Cathie Speelman says:

      Your father is only trying to make his own peace. Wishing you Strength on how to best handle. Make peace in your own Heart & Mind for Healing. Blocking it out and or not talking about it is not good for your soul. Prayers for Strength to Guide You.

  34. Midge Noble says:

    Oh Rosie…. {{{{hugs}}}} and more {{{{{hugs}}}} to you! I know this is traumatic and I also know that you are and will always be a survivor. You will get thorough this and so will she. Wiser, warmer, and willing to own your stuff… such a gift to yourself and others. Thank you for allowing yourself to move forward and lead the way for so many. midge

  35. LIsa Megginson says:

    Hope your wife heals quickly. That’s so painful! As a survivor I have moved on but you never forget.

  36. Jeannie says:

    That is SUCH a painful injury. makes the phrase “pass the doughnut” a who,e new thing!

  37. Denise says:

    I wish your wife a speedy recovery. I also have been sexually abused. I am sorry, but I believe BC is guilty! I do not think that many women would have the same story. My sister said a person is not guilty until proven guilty. Well, I jumped all over her! I was so mad and I had to refresh her on a few things about BC in the past years and about abuse! The women on The View were so wrong. I believe they could have handled it a different a way.

  38. joni says:

    It was difficult to watch the View and hear the responses of the others. You handled that far better than I would have. Thank you for standing up for us who have been there. Who truly get it. My mouth dropped open as I listened to what the others were saying around that table. Really? wow! Wake up ladies!! Again, thank you Rosie!!

  39. CoCo says:

    (Cont’d) Thank you for using your voice for us in this mostly silent tribe. Ultimately, I didn’t send my tweet to you because I silenced myself. I did not want to be outed as yet another victim, forever confused and shamed even if it never makes sense. Hugs to you!

  40. CoCo says:

    Rosie,
    I started a tweet to you the other day. I wanted to scream out loud for you when my sister called to ask if I watched. I turned it on, then rewind, rewind, rewind. Fuming. You imploded for all of us and that’s not fair. You were silenced…again. Not fair. How could three women (let alone the millions more) get it all SO wrong?? TRosie,
    I started a tweet to you the other day. I wanted to scream out loud for you when my sister called to ask if I watched. I turned it on, then rewind,…

  41. Maureen says:

    My Sad Saturday is that it was my birthday and no reason to celebrate…as I am the sole 24/7 at home caregiver for my mother who had surgery this year and is still in the midst of trying to recover while we continue to search for a doctor who cares and won’t write mom off simply because of her age…as I still try to heal my past inner wounds of mental, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse that I feel the pain of in every moment of every day.

  42. Kathleen says:

    I have watched Thursday’s The View segment about Cosby over and over. Tonight, I shared it with my husband. Each time, I just swell with pride for you ….. like we are friends. In a sense, we are. Women standing up for other women.

    Bravo to you for holding your own and speaking out. You spoke the truth. I hate that being on the show stirs up bad thought and feelings for you. It’s hard for me to understand how the others think or why they question.

    You are doing important work! Love to…

  43. Allison says:

    Ro- I could so clearly see the knot in your chest as you tried to stay calm and share your feelings about BC. Whop was a little passive aggressive in her chair moving hand response, which I immediately saw your body shift through. Breathe. Stay in your truth. Use your higher clarity to navigate. If numerous men came forward to say they’d been raped by BC there is little chance anyone on that panel would be saying it’s only an allegation. Women deserve to be honored despite their shame. You did

  44. Mary says:

    I’m angry that Bill Cosby’s victims are being ridiculed. His lawyer says they just want their 15 minutes of fame. Really? Who wants to be famous because Bill Cosby put his penis in your mouth? This is the 21st century! If women won’t stand up for each other then how will we ever change society? Thank you Rosie for for being a voice for women and letting your anger and disgust show. There are too many people coming forward for this to be ignored. Bill Cosby is not Dr. Huxtable!

  45. Navigating tough emotional terrain past AND present simultaneously takes brass balls. Go get ’em, tiger. Love from Brooklyn NY. xoxo

  46. Marion says:

    Really lovely writing here. It’s important that you (we) take control of what is communicated for and about yourself, especially when other spaces (The View) don’t allow that.

    I, too, was impressed with the discussion of BC on The Talk and immensely disappointed w/ caliber of such on The View.

    Rosie, you are such a beacon of clarity to truth on the show, amidst what seems v. strange politics behind the scenes. That the approach to convo is social media & not the heart of the matter…

  47. kris says:

    So scary about Michelle- I hope her pain eases quickly and she heals completely in no time. Greater message here? When you wrote that she saved herself- that she literally let go- the beautiful Frozen song came to mind. I have a beautiful, sensitive son and sometimes things are so hard for him. He cares and feels so deeply about everything. Cannot tolerate injustice. My heart breaks for him and I so wish I could make it easier. Yet it is who he is and his beauty and love- his caring- is what I…

  48. Becks says:

    I agree with Nancy. I saw the women on The Talk take a stand for women, especially the voiceless, shamed, powerless, and exploited women. I think Whoopi may have been reeling with the news of her friend Mike Nicholls death and maybe she is in a sad state as well? Giving the her the benefit of the doubt. But I count on the feminists at The View to speak the uncomfortable truth even when it grieves us.

  49. Nancy says:

    I’m gonna say 1 more thing & then I promise I’ll shut up for now. I think I was triggered by this thing too. Abuse survivors understand that the kindest Dr. Jekyll can indeed turn into Mr. Hyde!

    I watched The Talk & those women had no trouble identifying Mr. Hyde

    I can’t help but wonder if the View is affected by W hoopi’s friendship w/ Bill? In which case the View is skewed!

    Hope Michelle is feeling better this morning! Odd how when more than one storm appears the effect…

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